I think that most people who read blogs, especially those like this one, know that what you read is only a small snapshot of the blogger's life. I tend to write about the crafty, happy, fun things that I have going on. But that's only a small part of the story really.
I don't know why, but today I wanted to talk about a few things that I don't really mention. Fair warning, this will be pretty different to my usual posting style, and is definitely not a carefree post.
Regular readers might have picked up on the fact that my dad passed away a couple of years ago. It's not something I talk about on here, but it has obviously had a huge impact on my life. He was very young, only 47, and we were extremely close. In fact, I didn't start knitting until after he died, so this whole blog is a part of me he never really knew, which breaks my heart.
Since then, I have struggled with depression. Again, not something I talk about, as this is a happy place. But it is a part of my life and I decided this morning to come out of the closet, as it were. There is still some stigma attached to mental health issues, and I feel a little strange talking about it, but it is not something I am ashamed of. I'm working on getting better, but it is a slow process. Anyway, this will probably be my last post on the subject, I genuinely do prefer this to be a happy blog and I write about the things that I want to share and remember. But I also want to pull back the curtain just a little. Wow, that sounds over dramatic, doesn't it?!
At its heart, depression is an insidious liar. It makes it difficult to find the joy in things - which is why having this blog is awesome, because I have an outlet for the little things that make me feel good. Sometimes I read back though my old posts to remind myself of that, and the comments on those posts mean the world to me.
Sometimes I find it hard to post, which is why my usual 5 day a week schedule has been lacking for a little while. Sometimes I find it hard to reply to comments, for which I am sorry. I like to acknowledge every comment I get because they all mean a lot to me, but one of the things depression does is make it difficult to reach out to others, and difficult to get the energy to do very much at all. Which is also why I have been pretty lax about commenting on the blogs I read and love every day - something else I am sorry for.
Depression is believed to affect at least 1 in 10 people over the course of their life. That's a pretty huge number, yet it is something that doesn't get talked about. I get why, it sucks and I hate that it is part of my life right now, but not talking about it perpetuates some of the misconceptions people have. There is a huge difference between being a bit low, and being depressed. When I'm low, knitting perks me up. When I'm depressed, even looking at my knitting makes me feel like a failure because it's just sitting there not getting done and I convince myself that I'll only mess it up anyway.
I honestly don't know what the purpose of this post is, I just know that it has been on my mind for a little while and I wanted to get it out there. I have read some famous bloggers talking about their own struggles with depression, and seen that it has helped people to know that it can affect anyone. I'm obviously not a famous blogger (I wish!) but if this post helps or informs a single reader then I feel good.
Like I said, this is probably my last post on the subject. However, I am completely open and happy to answer any questions people have. I don't have a problem in talking about it - in fact, the more I do talk about it, the less power it has to keep me in the dark, alone. So if you have questions, let me know (if you don't want to post them in the comments, email me nat.howells @ gmail . com, or PM on me on ravelry, I'm pinkundine there)
I have a post planned for tomorrow and then I'm going to take a short break. Mainly because it coincides with some time off from work, but also because I think it might relieve some of the pressure I put on myself to blog, and the disappointment I feel when I can't think of anything to say.
If you read this far, thanks! I know it's a long and serious post, but it feels good to have got it out there.
I just want to say hello and let you know that I've read your post. The older I get the more people who suffer from depression or other mental issues I know. Maybe it's because there are more or we talk about it more often.
ReplyDeleteTalking about mental illnesses helps a lot. It's quite an experience to notice that - if you talk about it (my sun is suffering from psychoses) how many people open up too.
I wish you luck and have a relaxing break!
Regula
I have suffered from depression in the past - it is a horrible insidious condition that makes you doubt everything in your life. I was very very lucky and managed to find a charity that offered affordable counselling when the NHS was unable to supply it for free. That counselling was the best thing that ever happened to me because it gave me the tools to cliimb out of pit of despair and helped prevent me getting depressed again. I know the signs now and know that when I'm feeling low and angry at myself and the world, I need to talk to someone - anyone. I need to take those feelings outside of myself and look at them so they have less power over me. I wish more people acknowledged that they had suffered from depression, because the less hidden and unspoken it is, the less power it has. It is not weak to be depressed it is the sign of someone who has tried to cope on their own for far too long.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get all the support you need both medical and emotional to help you get through this really hard time in your life. I promise when you come out the other side you will understand yourself and the world a little bit more than you did going in.
Many many hugs x
Hi Nat,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this - I honestly believe that every time someone writes/says something openly about depression, it helps. Talking about it means that someone else out there knows that they are not alone. I know that a lot of us who have depression are struggling at the moment - it's like it goes around like a virus.
Be kind to yourself <3
As a 'survivor' of a life-threatening depression all I can say is: take your time, do what feels right, and come back when you want to! We'll be here no matter when you come back :)
ReplyDeletexo,
wink
Oh, my brave girl!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs!
ReplyDeleteWhen my dad died two years ago, my life fell apart too. I completely understand what you are writing and thankful that you shared. Depression isn't easy and you don't "just get over it" nor does "time heal the wounds".
I hope that you have an outlet to talk to someone and get whatever help you may need. I agree that the blog is a wonderful outlet and a chance to let the happiness out. Sending big hugs.
it takes a lot of courage to open up like this, and my wish for you is that loads and loads of warmth, joy and light keep flooding in through this new opening that you've allowed and created :) sincerity is a most brilliant disspeller of darkness!
ReplyDeletesending you heaps of hugs for healing, strength and even more courage <3
You are right: Depression is a serious matter. I think it is absolutely great that you had the courage and power to write this blog. I think by doing that, you proved you are stronger than your problems and can take control when you need to. Knitting definitely helps also.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and keep knitting :) <3
It might have been a difficult post, but it was a happy one. It's happy because you demystified depression and you are moving forward with honesty. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts-and whether you are posting funny or serious I appreciate you :)
ReplyDeleteI think that a lot of people struggle with depression, I know that I do - especially during our very long and dark winter. I guess it is hard to talk about though, and that is unfortunate because I really believe that if there was more open communication it would help. I try to stay pretty up beat on my blog, but I know that there are days when I am in a certain place and I know it comes across in my posts. Thank you for posting this! And I hope you enjoy your break!
ReplyDeleteMy Mum suffered miserably with depression, and I have in the past worked with people who were clinically depressed, and if there's one thing I know Nat, it's that talking helps, people are happy to listen, and the tunnel does end. Take all the time you need, we'll be waiting when you come back to us.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to meeting you next spring x
PS And what your Mum said, this post can't have been easy to write x
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone in this. I use my blog for exactly the same purpose. Myself and three of my closest friends all battles with this. Having been through this more than once both personally and with me friends, at some point you do get to see the light again. It just doesn't feel like that some days.
ReplyDeleteHugs & Love
K
Oh! I had no idea. I'm so sorry that you have this struggle. I wish I had something to say to help ease your mind, but I know this affliction takes time and goes beyond words. My mother has suffered from depression ever since I was a small child. I have witnessed its lies and darkness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for choosing to share this with us. Some of us may be half a world away from you but we feel like you live next door. We are all friends who care. It is a crime that we can't get together over hugs, yarn, and tea :(
–Cassandra
What a moving post. you're right, depression *is* an insidious liar. and it is difficult to deal with. and difficult to talk about. This was a brave thing to post, Nat, and I'm proud of you. Hugs and love to you.
ReplyDeleteOh lady, you're not the only one that has been through it (although it often seems that way). I will fully acknowledge that I've been through it and am probably still in it (though it's been getting better). I think what's hardest about depression is that you can't always figure out the *why* behind it. My depression started in high school and it wasn't until recently that I was able to determine part of the reasoning behind it. I had a good home life, good grades, decent athlete...and yet the depression hit me like a baseball bat.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good thing we've had this glimpse into your life. Often readers forget that there's an actual person on the other side of the screen that has written what we're reading/seeing.
Me too. Since I was 13. Chronic depression can be debilitating and horrible. The worst part is that all you can do is manage it... it never truly goes away. Oh man... that sounds so depressing! ;) Manage it as best you can. Don't be afraid to do whatever you have to in order to feel "right". I was the Prozac poster-child for years but I'm med-free now. It took me a long time to learn the skills to cope with the swings. Whatever you do, don't let it get so bad that it interferes with your relationships or your work. Recognize the drops and take action. Feel better. *MWAH*
ReplyDeleteOh... that last post was from Alex, btw. :)
ReplyDeleteYou and I have talked a lot about this, of course...but I really believe that every time we are open about this stuff, it dispels some of the myth that we're alone when we go through depression, that we're isolated, that there is something wrong with us because we feel that way and we should feel happier. It's so strong and awesome of you to share this on your blog. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso - your post really reminded me of the last post at Hyperbole and a Half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/) - have you read it?
Thank you for writing this post.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, dear!! I know it is difficult to share things that are not happy knitting thoughts-I've had a few of those days myself, though certainly not as bad as you. Just keep going, knowing that there are loving and supportive people here for you :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post. I too, try to keep my blog light but sometimes it helps to share. I took a break from regular blogging during a stressful time in my life, and when I came back, everything was fine :). I think sometimes we pressure ourselves to blog so regularly, but it is really ok to take a break, and sometimes that is just what we need to take care of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to struggle through depression. I've been there and know that it can be very difficult to pull yourself out of. I've been following your blog for long enough to know that you are a very strong, creative, and naturally positive person, so I know that you can overcome this! Also, there is no way that you could ever mess up those knitting projects, everything that you make turns out so amazing (especially your socks!). Hang in there, you can do this!
ReplyDeleteWhat they all said.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your time off work and don't feel guilty about not blogging every day. We'll all still be here when you come back because we love reading your posts.
I'm sending you a message on Ravelry...but I just wanted to say here that I admire you for coming out and saying this!
ReplyDeleteand also, don't feel guilty about not commenting. I think everyone knows that we all get busy sometimes and we just can't keep up with everything! enjoy your break, see you when you get back =)
I am so sorry to hear about what you've gone through. I struggled with depression for more than fifteen years (something I've just finally talked about in my new book - Crochet Saved My Life) and it's such a very difficult thing to discuss (not to mention to deal with!) I think your instinct here might have been to reach out and get some support and if so it seems that you've got a great community of people who want to be here for you. Treat yourself well!!
ReplyDeleteYou are brave to share this. I'm one of the 1/10 that has depression too. I'm in a good place now, but I have been very low before. You will get through it, and be a better, more sensitive person because of it. Keep speaking out, ask for help if you need it, and see someone to get something if you need it! If you need to talk, even though we don't know each other, please reach out to me!
ReplyDeleteMarcia Tennyson
Thank you so, so much for writing this post. Depression is something I have been dealing with for the past few years, and lately it's been getting worse - to the point of needing help again, and your words have given me courage. Thank you, and enjoy your break from blogging, you've definitely deserve it xo
ReplyDeleteoh sweet Natalie. You are not alone, I'm sure you have realized this by now. It is really hard to share the not so happy stuff but I think it is really important to do it anyway. I go through this sometimes but reading blogs like yours and others inspire me to go on to new adventures. It is so easy to make our lives look so perfect through the little window into our lives but we touch many more people by sharing and keepin it real. Big hug to you!
ReplyDeleteJust catching up with this and really wish I could give you a big cwtch! I can't imagine how losing a parent must have affected you and it's no wonder it has led to depression. It seems bereavement is a massive trigger for this and the more I talk to people who suffer loss and depression the more I see that talking about it does help. Your blog is a very happy place to be, but I'm really glad you were able to share this here too. You have lots of friends here who care about you - thanks for being brave enough to write your difficult post. I hope it's helped a little to know that you have such support. Don't feel pressured to blog, we will still be here whenever you feel like writing! Xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you, you brave thing. I haven't ever suffered with depression, but I believe my hubby might have recently... It's been a very tough year for us. It's nice to know we are in good company ;) Hang in there...
ReplyDelete